I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
