life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
