His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
