I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
