margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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