I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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