Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
