I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
