i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
