I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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