Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
