Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
