It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
