I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
