dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am midnight drunk by noon
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My breasts were aching with rage.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
