im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
