When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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