at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
