i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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