saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
