Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
