I bet he comes in French.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
