I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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