We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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