oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
