Moan for me like Helen Keller
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
