How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
