so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
