i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
