So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
