If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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