So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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