this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
