I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
