woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
