I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
