if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
