I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
