Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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