I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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