I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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