I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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