There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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