please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
