Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
