i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
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It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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