matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
