Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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