about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
