i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im six kinds of drunk right now
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
