Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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