Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
