My Higher Power is John Stamos
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
