There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
