Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
