I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
