i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
