i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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