The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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