I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
